The Dingleberry Defense

Senator Larry Craig, R. Idaho, this week is facing fire for allegedly soliciting a police officer for gay sex in a public restroom. His protestations of innocence are hampered considerably by his signed confession and persistent rumors of past indiscretions. But all is not lost.

Sure, it looks bad, but there is a way out. In brief, this whole thing can be explained away with one word: Dingleberry.

Let's take a closer look at the police report in light of the Senator's perfectly natural need to meet his private urges, dingleberry-wise. The reporting officer, from the vantage point of his stake-out stall, states:

I could see an older white male with gray hair standing outside my stall. He was standing about three feet away and had a roller bag with him ... I could see Craig look through the crack in the door from his position. Craig would look down at his hands, 'fidget' with his fingers, and then look through the crack into my stall again. Craig would repeat this cycle for about two minutes.

Anyone's fingers might be fidgety, don't you think, if they were about to deal with their dingle. You might even be peeking into stalls repeatedly, you know, just to make sure the coast was clear. Nothing suspicious here.

At 1215 hours, the male in the stall to the left of me flushed the toilet and exited the stall. Craig entered the stall and placed his roller bag against the front of the stall door. My experience has shown that individuals engaging in lewd conduct use their bags to block the view from the front of their stall.

People about to do berry-battle might want a little privacy, too. Or, maybe they just don't want their bag stolen, which is pretty much guaranteed if you leave it outside the stall. Next.

At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognize this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moved his foot closer to my foot. I moved my foot up and down up and down slowly ... The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area.

Senator Craig has stated for the record that he "has a wide stance" in the best of circumstances. Is it not conceivable that in the throes of a necessarily toe-tapping dingle dance the good Senator might have inadvertently penetrated the officer's space? Focused as he was on the situation at hand, he was no doubt completely oblivious to the fact that he was over the line. (And by his own admission, it is the officer who is playing footsie here, not Craig.) So what else ya got?

At 1217 hours, I saw Craig swipe his hand under the stall divider for a few seconds. The swipe went in the direction from the front (door side) of the stall back towards the back wall. His palm was facing toward the ceiling as he guided it all [sic] the stall divider. I was only able to see the tips of his fingers on my side of the stall divider ... I could see that it was Craig's left hand ...

Simple leverage. He was contorted with the effort in there, and the right hand was busy.

At about 1219 hours, I held my Police Identification in my right hand down by the floor so that Craig could see it. With my left hand near the floor, I pointed towards the exit. Craig responded, 'No!'

Of course No, as in "No, officer, you have it all wrong. I am an innocent, though hygienically challenged, citizen in here. And by the way, can you please pass over some toilet paper?"

To paraphrase a line from another famous case, If "love" don't fit, you must acquit. Defense rests.