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The Surgeon General, apparently with nothing really pressing to do last week, declared war on Santa Claus. He announced that it was critical for role models to present a good example, which Santa, it seems, does not. Because he is fat. Santa needs to slim down. Or else.

OK. First of all, if Santa Claus is a "role model," then so is the Easter Bunny. Therefore, the Easter Bunny should immediately stop wearing fur.

Santa is a "right jolly old elf" with "a round little belly" that "shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly." It's part of who he is. Santa is a symbol of taking joy in plenty and pleasure, and of selfless love for others. You could do a lot worse for a role model.

And I'll tell you what's critical for the welfare of today's kids: The children's health care plan Bush vetoed, that was critical. Keeping lead soaked toys out of their nurseries, that was critical. Paying parents a living wage so they can be home more with their kids, that was critical. Where was the Surgeon General on all that?

They say Santa has changed before, and should again. True, he has. He used to bring switches and coal to those who deserved it. I can think of at least one fellow who should get a sledfull of both.